You're too nice..

Today at work, I was shelving a book called "Why Men Love Bitches". The book is about being less nice, because nice girls don't get the guy. This author has been unbelievable successful. When I was working at the spa back home, a few girls I worked with mentioned the book and one came to the conclusion that this was her problem, that she was too nice. I told her then that I didn't think there is such a thing, and most people just laughed and continued to talk about how awesome the book is.

The other day, someone told me that they were concerned about me. They meant it in a loving way, and I could see that, so I asked why. They told me that they felt that I was too nice and I didn't know how to stand up for myself. They had seen me yield to others in many different situations, and they essentially called me a doormat.

I'm trying to figure out where we got so lost and confused about what it means to be nice. It's not a bad thing. If only the world were full of more nice people. The last thing we need right now is more mean, ruthless people. Is this what they want from me?

For the record, I am nice. I like being nice. I like yielding to other people. I like letting my friends go ahead of me, and doing dishes for my friends, and making lunch for Jordan when she doesn't have time to make it for herself. I like doing those things, which, I guess, makes me nice. But people who have known me for a long time would tell you that I have no problem standing up for myself. Because of my lack of understanding in the area of forgiveness, it was easy for me to instantly retaliate. The girl I used to be would never let anything offensive walk by untouched. I know how to handle myself and I am certainly not a doormat. Unless I choose to be.

I think more than anything, this whole idea just makes me really sad for the people of the world, and even some of the people of God. Being mean, being hard and tough, and having a hard heart; these things don't protect you from anything. If anything they increase your hardships because if nothing can get in than nothing can get out either.

Weakness and kindness have nothing to do with each other. Maybe false kindness can be a bi product of weakness but that is an entirely different issue. Do not be fooled by the world into thinking that being nice is not good. If only we could recall that people who the world calls successful are far from it. Money can't change anything inside of a person, and so why do we envy their cruel personalities? Mean people aren't happy people. Don't adapt the traits that even they wish didn't belong to them.

I am soft. I let people push me aside from time to time. I silently bless people and I love every second of it. I have no money, but I have something so much more valuable. I have a relationship with the Most High, and I have love in my life. I am nice because I feel my God cheering me on when I am. They are hard because they aren't listening.

Don't close your ears to God and chase the loss of kindness in yourself. But rather turn a deaf ear to the world and listen to the voice of your creator cheering you on to be nice, to be a blessing, to be His.

Today

In two weeks, I'm supposed to be leaving for BC. My best friend is looking for place for us. Things are in motion for that to become a reality very soon. But there are just so many thing holding me back from commiting my heart to the idea of moving across the country.

I was telling a friend recently that home always starts to seem perfect just before it's time to leave. Lately, it feels like all of my friendships are stronger than ever. I have more fun than ever before. I'm learning to embrace Newmarket for the first time. My church seems a little more perfect every week. My mom has been chasing Jesus with her whole heart and my family atmosphere is not intolerable for the first time in the last 5 years. I recently quit a job that I hated. There is nothing about this place that is pushing me away. And suddenly the idea of leaving becomes less and less desirable.

My motiviation for leaving is based completely on a few simple philosophies. One being, that this is my life. I am writing the story of my life everyday and I want it to be a good one. Filled with adventure, and risks, and passion, and joy. And going out to Vancouver would fufill these ideals.

So I'm faced with a multitude of issues, and questions, and the clock is ticking. I wish there was a simply answer but the best learning experiences usually don't have one. I am confused between two desires, two homes, two dreams. I feel so torn in such a seemingly clear situation. To most people reading this, the answer is clear, to go to BC and seek the adventure. It's hard to communicate the relief that comes with a home life that is peaceful for someone who has had a life like I have. I have never known this kind of life before. I have never enjoyed coming home at the end of the day. I have never had a job that I loved. I have never had a group of amazing friends who are more like family every day. So home has suddenly taken on a new definition for me. It's always been somewhere Ive been dying to escape from, and now here I am ready to leave, and things are so warm and cozy that I just don't want to. It's only natural that I would not be eager to give that up after such a short time.

I think that this is probably more of a heart issue than it is anything else. I have already given my word to Jordan that I would be moving out there with her. She needs me to come and be her roommate and I will not let her down. And it is really more like an experiment than a lifelong commitment. I know it would not be hard to come home if things were terrible.

It is more than likely that I will just get over myself and seek the adventure with God and Jordan. But tonight this just needed to come out.

There's something in the air..

And it's not love.

I get this feeling sometimes. Not often. But it's like butterflies, an unexplainable excitement. Things are not fantastic with me right now but something inside of me is bubbling up with joy. I feel a sense of anticipation rising. I had this same feeling on Sunday this week just before I taught at NAC and God showed up in a really cool way. And I have it today. I don't know why, but something inside of me is getting all worked up and usually when this happens God is about to do something, He's about to show up, He's about to move, He's about to start changing things.

I once heard a man named Shane Claibourne speak. He lives the craziest life for Jesus. He's been arrested and persecuted often for listening to the crazy things Jesus asks him to do. He has no home, and hardly any possessions because he felt God's calling to get down in the dirt and grime and minister to the homeless on a real level. He talked about how the name of Jesus is a dangerous but exciting name. Things change when that name is spoken to an open heart. Shane sleeps on benches while loving on the homeless in response to the call of Jesus and gets arrested. He said that when people say the name of Jesus, he always gets a little nervous in a "oooooh say it again!" kind of way. He said he gets chills because he never knows whats about to happen.

That's kind of how I feel today. Nervous and so excited. I feel like God is about to show up; and who knows that can mean.

Uxbridge is the new black

I had the most perfect day yesterday. After an evening of popcorn and movies and catching up, I woke up in my super comfy bed at the lovely miss Emily's house to fabulous music. We left about 20 minutes after I woke up (who needs makeup anyways?) to drive her to her job at Harlow's, my favorite coffee shop, next to Coffee Culture. She whipped me up a Vanillia Soy Latte, for the road and I began the lovely drive to Newmarket, Ipod in hand, wind on my face, and Latte cooling, in my fabulous little car. I got to town around 8am, so I had an hour to kill before work.
I parked at Fairly Lake and just walked around, hung out with God, and enjoyed the beautiful park.

Just to make the morning a little more perfect, I was passed by two boys who were clearly terrified to see a girl, and who starting speaking very loudly about elves and wizards and maidens, I think to try and emulate coolness.

From my morning, I would assume that only the most lovely people stroll through parks at 8am on a Friday morning. Every single person said "Hello" or "Good morning". It was humid, so my curly hair was about the size of a soccer ball by the time I walked to work, but there is such liberty in being more concerned with life and enjoying the moment, than fussying over something trivial, such as appearances.

I worked the morning and took my break at home, where my mom's cell group was hanging out in the backyard by the pool. They were the most fun ladies to spend my lunch with. And I ended my day nannying my gorgeous kids, while watching Napolean Dynamite, which just happened to be on TV.

It was just one of those days when the world seems a little bit more beautiful and peaceful. And God rises up such a hope for the future in me. He reminds me to appreciate all of the little details that He made for us and be unconcerned with the unimportant things. He reminds me that He is faithful and forever pouring out simple blessings on me. And He teaches me, softly and gently, as always, to be thankful, and patient. I think about where my life was a month ago, and where He has brought me and it is just completely unimaginable. And my favorite part of all, it is completely impossible by the hands of Man.

Chick Flicks

I have a lot of mixed feelings about "chick flicks". Part of me loves them and part of me hates them. The part of me that loves them is the part that likes to think about one day. It likes to day dream and imagine my very own happily ever after, with my very own Godly man. It likes to imagine that the story book ending I just witnessed, could happen to me.

The problem with this part of me, is that it's toxic to be immersed in day dreams all of the time. It is nice to think about the possibilities, but the more I indulge the (I want to say fantasies, but it's never a sexual thing), the more my expectations grow and before long, my demands could be so high that no one would ever reach them. I'm not suggesting that we should have low expectations, but I am encouraging the notion that every person we meet will have some obvious character flaw. We are all equally messed up, and therefore, a relationship between two messed up people will likely never be perfect. One might argue that through God a perfect relationship could exist, and maybe it could, but the truth is, I've been in relationships where God was the center, and my boyfriend was a Godly man, and things still went wrong somewhere. I think it's important to remember that reality is completely seperate from movies, which can be too easy to forget, especially for women.

I once heard it said that chick flicks are "emotional porn". Unfortunately, I would agree with this idea, unless you are able to seperate reality from the hollywood, picture perfect, super cheesy, scripted lines coming out of a man who is probably wearing more makeup than I have ever worn in my life. We watch movies like Twilight and expect that an "impossibly beautiful" vampire with super human strength will come into our lives, save us from a car accident, and devote his entire life to loving us. I thought it was hilarious and tragic that there is a facebook group for guys who have been dumped by their girlfriends after they saw twilight, because they couldn't measure up to Edward Cullen.

It is important to know your worth and know your value. You deserve to be treated (to be super cheesy) like royalty. You deserve love and you were made for it.

BUT:
If you are single - in the mean time, do not be discontent with your current circumstances. Take this time to push deeper into Christ, and to learn who you are as an individual. If you do this, with all of your heart, before long, you will find more patience that you ever knew existed.
If you are in a relationship - have patience with your partner. They are likely flawed just as you are. Do not expect the hero(ine) in the last chick flick you saw to suddenly replace the person you are dating. However, if he/she really needs to spend more time in Christ and getting to know who they are, it's probably the best thing you can do for them and for yourself to let them go.

As for chick flicks, they are fun if you can seperate fact from fiction but they're toxic if you can't. There was a time when I wouldn't let myself even listen to love songs because they caused me to desire a relationship, and I knew my heart wasn't ready for one. Know yourself, know your heart, and know your God. The rest is just details.

The Day I Became a Single Mom

Two nights ago I was getting ready for bed, when the phone rang. The name was one I have no hope of pronouncing, so when my mom told me the phone was for me, I had no idea who could it could be. When I took the phone, a woman with a really thick middle-eastern accent offered me a job as a babysitter, three times a week. I know what you're thinking.. it's a 12 year old girls job. But the truth is, I was working as a babysitter at a gym part time while I was looking for a full time job, and it was the most fun I've ever had at work. I wanted to keep the job when I started working at the salon, but the hours conflicted too much. I was heart broken to let it go and I wrestled with the decision for a while. I've always felt it ludicrous to work solely for money, hating what you do, so to let a job I loved go for a job I really don't like, only because one could offer me more money was really hard for me. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I needed a full time job in order to pursue my calling to follow God to Africa in September.

So about a week after turning down my old job at the gym, this woman calls out of the blue, telling me that my mom's friend (who I had casually told that I love working with kids) recommended me so highly that she didn't even want to interview me. She offered me a job starting the next day, and (the coolest part) for the exact same days that I had been working at the gym, with more workable hours. I knew that I still had to keep my other job as a top priority, since I need the money I am making at the salon if I want to make it to Kenya, so I said I would come the next night after work and babysit for her for the evening and we could figure things out from there. I told my boss first thing in the morning and assured her that I was committed to her first but really wanted to take this opportunity and she said we could rework my hours so that I could do both jobs.

This is a blessing in so many ways. First, my boss said that she could see how badly I wanted the babysitting job and she didn't want to stand in the way of that and offered to help me rework my schedule to make it happen. God gave me so much favour with her that I still can't believe how smoothly that conversation went. Secondly, it's a much nicer environment to be in then the gym was and there are always kids for me to hang out with. There would be times at the gym where I would be sitting around waiting for hours with nothing to do, unable to leave. Third, I make more working with Melody and her kids then I was making at the gym. Fourth, and most important, I get paid to do something that I would do for free, which just happens to be the thing that makes me come alive the most.

God has been dropping revelations more generously these past few months then ever before in my conversations with Him. There was a huge period in my life where I had no idea what direction my life would take. I had nothing to say when people asked me what I wanted to do or even what I was doing the next year. About a month ago, when I was hanging out with the kids at the gym, and I came home and could not shut up about how amazing the kids were and how much fun I had. After letting me ramble on for a while, my mom said something along the lines of "it's not normal for you to enjoy spending time with other people's kids this much. Most people would be grumpy and exhausted, but you're wired". God began to show me that I am called to pursue working with children.

Yesterday I worked 9 hours at the salon and immediately went to the kids house. I stayed until 10:30pm and then after working over 12 hours in one day, I came home to crash on my bed. My boss at the salon asked me to come in early this morning, so at 6:30am my alarm started singing. I went straight to work until noon and then spent the rest of the day with the three most beautiful and adorable kids in the world. (Which is about when I realized that I'm living the life of a sinlge mom). And I'm exhausted. But when I'm coming home at the end of the day feeling so tired I can barely lift my arms, my heart feels full.

This blog is to say a whole bunch of things. It's to encourage those who are waiting on a dream, who may have had to turn down something that seemed perfect. God has the perfect timing and He knows your hearts desires. He will bring the right things at the right time and he will astound you, in ways that only He can. This blog is also meant as a praise report that He has blessed me beyond what I could have expected. And lastly, this blog is a calling to find what your spirit is thirsty for, to find what makes your heart feel full at the end of the day and ask God to bring the pieces of the puzzle together.

There is a reason that you are here. I pray that you find it and that you learn how to walk in it. I'm lucky enough to know that my life is going to be full of loving on children. And I can't wait to hear about all of the amazing plans God reveals to the rest of you about your lives.

Blind Dates

Should I be flattered or massively offended that everyone I know seems to want to set me up with someone? I am perfectly content in God for the time being and I hardly see how jumping into a random relationship will satisfy me or what my heart wants. What it will satisfy is the social requirement that we seem to have developed in our culture. We have this idea that in order to be happy, we need to be in a relationship and if we are not, there must be something horribly wrong with us.

This simple small lie has caused so much damaged to so many people. Too many couples cling to each other only because they are afraid to be alone. I love being single. I've been in a couple of relationships with completely the wrong people and I will be slow and prayerful before I jump into another one.

So for future reference, please do not try to set me up with anyone. I'm the weird kind of girl who gets really uncomfortable when guys I don't know start flirting with me so I'm not going to jump at the chance to have a whole evening of that.

Today at work, the only man that works at our salon asked me "if I had found a boyfriend yet". I wanted to say "I'm not looking" but instead, to be polite, I said "Nope". Take a deep breath. What came next will have you peeing your pants you'll be laughing so hard. He said in his thick English accent "Well I know a nice young guy that you might be interested in. He comes on my Mini Cooper tours around Niagara Falls and Toronto. Would you want to come and meet him? You don't have to touch him or kiss him or anything, I just thought, nothing ventured nothing gained." And then he went on for a few minutes about how nice his car was. (For the record, the kind of guy I'd be interested in would probably drive a really crappy car because he'd probably be a Philanthropist like me). So I asked "What is a Mini Cooper Tour?" and he told me that a few guys get into their Mini Coopers and go on a road trip for the weekend and stay in a nice hotel in Niagara Falls. Again to be polite, I said "Um, maybe" so he said he'd ask me again later. I should mention that this is the first conversation I've ever had with this man. Most of the time he is completely cold to me. Which, I now prefer to him asking me to come on blind-date-road-trips. Where did he expect me to sleep? I can only laugh at such a completely un-me proposal. And I'm dreading the next time he brings that up.



I think part of the reason set ups bother me so much is because I want to be pursued. I want to be romanced. And I want a man who is manly enough to lay down his pride and make a fool out of himself trying to get my attention. I would say if there is one thing that every woman wants, it's this: to have a man, and I mean a real man, pursue her and make her feel important, and special, and desired. And I don't count asking your friend to his wife to ask me if I'll hang out with you, being bold.