A few months ago, I was in a rough patch with my relationship with God. One of those times when it's hard to pick up my bible and His voice is so quiet and He seems so far away.
During my first few weeks in Vancouver I went to church with the family we were living with. On my second or third visit to Cap Church, the lady giving the teaching that morning spoke on the exact issue that I had been struggling with. So after her teaching I asked her for some prayer on that issue. She looked a little taken aback by my request, since she had just met me a few weeks before and I was now standing before her asking for her prayers with tears in my eyes.
So she prayed with me. And then she said something about how it's okay when our walk with God gets less intense and we don't hear Him as much as we used to. And how its usually only like that in the beginning. And I really accepted that idea. I really let it in and lived it out. I let things with God be quiet and I was okay with it. And it took me until tonight to shake myself out of that mindset.
Why should we ever learn to feel comfortable in a time when we are distant from God. He is closer than our skin, and we are meant to live in constant communion with Him. Where did we pick up the idea that its alright to let things stay quiet between us.
I'm sure that this lady was just trying to reassure me that God wasn't far away and that He still loved me. But my issue was that things were stagnant between Him and I, not that I was afraid He was gone.
I worry that we are being trained and counseled to be comfortable with this feeling. That when our faith is standing still and our walk with God is slowing down, that we are simply told that its okay and its normal and it happens to all of us. We are not called to be normal. We are not called to be comfortable and to live quiet lives with a boring relationship with God.
It's not okay to let that be. Of course there are seasons where God seems quiet or distant, but we should never lay down and accept that feeling. We should be fighting for intimacy, we should be pressing on for new depths, for breakthrough.
My hope in saying all of this is to encourage you that God is a loud, excited God who raises people from the dead and shakes the mountains and turns entire cities of people into pillars of salt. He is not mundane or boring in the least and as such, our relationships with Him cannot be either. Press forward. Run harder. Breakthrough is just around the corner.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Years
I've never really been a fan of New Years Day. It's never really meant much to me. I had a few sweet evenings with my mom and brother when we were kids, but since I've been an adult, I've never really understood the fuss.
This year is one of the first that I've decided to let the New Year coincide with a new chapter in my life. I've spent the last few months in a season of loneliness and hardship. I've found my self on more than one occasion feeling completely lost and without hope for my life. It's hard to wait so long and have no answers, and without a community or any family around me, it was easy to get swallowed up in complete despair.
Being here, in Ontario, for the last two weeks has been amazing.
It started out really rough. I had foolishly aloud myself to believe that when my feet touch Ontario ground everything I had been struggling with would instantly disappear. I would instantly feel satisfied and alive, but it didn't happen right away.
There was, of course, the initial excitement of being in a 'new' place and seeing how excited everyone was to see me. It felt great for the first couple of days. And then the excitement settled and everything seemed to go right back to the way it had been before I had left for Vancouver. And the same feeling I had been fighting with over there started to show up here.
It's hard to describe but sometimes in those moments, it feels really good to feel sorry for yourself, to indulge every little doubt and fear that you have about your life. I let myself go there really hard. Nothing seemed to be the way I thought it was going to be. My first appearance back at my church was interrupted by an ex boyfriend suddenly showing up. Seeing the kids was great but soon became extremely draining. My mom doesn't have a great deal of patience for self pity, so we ended up fighting quite a bit. All the things I had missed the most about Ontario really weren't living up to the expectations I had had for them.
It was really hard for a couple of weeks.
In the last few days I made more of an effort to spend time with people I care about. I worshipped in a corporate setting for the first time in months. I connected with God in the kind of intense way that I used to. He's teaching me slowly, because I just don't seem to get it, that spending time with people who I care about and who care about me is good and I did start to feel better when I was, but spending time with Him is so much more incredible. His words are like honey, like fresh water to someone who's been wandering the desert, like gold. That 5 minutes in intimate worship with God can wipe away 3 months of loneliness, or start to at least.
So this New Years, I've decided to leave behind the time of despair and seek out a season of joy and peace. I once heard someone say that they wanted peace so powerful and strong that it shook the unseen world. Peace so great that it was violent to the enemy. That's what I'm asking God for in this season, dangerous peace.
This year is one of the first that I've decided to let the New Year coincide with a new chapter in my life. I've spent the last few months in a season of loneliness and hardship. I've found my self on more than one occasion feeling completely lost and without hope for my life. It's hard to wait so long and have no answers, and without a community or any family around me, it was easy to get swallowed up in complete despair.
Being here, in Ontario, for the last two weeks has been amazing.
It started out really rough. I had foolishly aloud myself to believe that when my feet touch Ontario ground everything I had been struggling with would instantly disappear. I would instantly feel satisfied and alive, but it didn't happen right away.
There was, of course, the initial excitement of being in a 'new' place and seeing how excited everyone was to see me. It felt great for the first couple of days. And then the excitement settled and everything seemed to go right back to the way it had been before I had left for Vancouver. And the same feeling I had been fighting with over there started to show up here.
It's hard to describe but sometimes in those moments, it feels really good to feel sorry for yourself, to indulge every little doubt and fear that you have about your life. I let myself go there really hard. Nothing seemed to be the way I thought it was going to be. My first appearance back at my church was interrupted by an ex boyfriend suddenly showing up. Seeing the kids was great but soon became extremely draining. My mom doesn't have a great deal of patience for self pity, so we ended up fighting quite a bit. All the things I had missed the most about Ontario really weren't living up to the expectations I had had for them.
It was really hard for a couple of weeks.
In the last few days I made more of an effort to spend time with people I care about. I worshipped in a corporate setting for the first time in months. I connected with God in the kind of intense way that I used to. He's teaching me slowly, because I just don't seem to get it, that spending time with people who I care about and who care about me is good and I did start to feel better when I was, but spending time with Him is so much more incredible. His words are like honey, like fresh water to someone who's been wandering the desert, like gold. That 5 minutes in intimate worship with God can wipe away 3 months of loneliness, or start to at least.
So this New Years, I've decided to leave behind the time of despair and seek out a season of joy and peace. I once heard someone say that they wanted peace so powerful and strong that it shook the unseen world. Peace so great that it was violent to the enemy. That's what I'm asking God for in this season, dangerous peace.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Ontario
There's a feeling I get only when I travel. I never feel it on other days; days that don't involve a plane. But every single time I get on a plane and leave a place, it comes back.
I tried to put it into words on Sunday morning when I was waiting at the airport with Jordan at 5am for my flight but nothing seemed to justify it. But it's something like this:
I feel very much relieved from every situation I have ever felt trapped in. I feel like an independent body. I feel free and yet trapped, but hopeful. I feel that situations and circumstances that once rose against me become so meaningless when I am in the air; when I am in transition from one place to another. Every thing I felt trapped by, an awkward situation or a job that I suffered through, they all seem so inconsequential and insignificant. They melt away and become as small as the houses beneath me. No soul-tie and hold me up there. I feel like anything is possible, any life, any location, it all seems within reach. I feel trapped by myself, that no matter where I go, no matter how far away from the place that shaped me, I am always who I am. I feel irrevocably like myself. I feel mortal and the brevity of life with each cloud we tear through. I feel a false sense, and I forget that it is false, that I am in control. I pick where I go. I chose to go and to come and to be. I chose it, it was not forced upon me. I am not trapped to do any of those things but I chose to. I feel temporarily in control of my life.
I feel something like this every time I get on a plane. These days are gems and I really wanted to write down the feeling because it really is wonderful. And I don't know if I really quite got it, but I hope to try and feel that way more often.
I tried to put it into words on Sunday morning when I was waiting at the airport with Jordan at 5am for my flight but nothing seemed to justify it. But it's something like this:
I feel very much relieved from every situation I have ever felt trapped in. I feel like an independent body. I feel free and yet trapped, but hopeful. I feel that situations and circumstances that once rose against me become so meaningless when I am in the air; when I am in transition from one place to another. Every thing I felt trapped by, an awkward situation or a job that I suffered through, they all seem so inconsequential and insignificant. They melt away and become as small as the houses beneath me. No soul-tie and hold me up there. I feel like anything is possible, any life, any location, it all seems within reach. I feel trapped by myself, that no matter where I go, no matter how far away from the place that shaped me, I am always who I am. I feel irrevocably like myself. I feel mortal and the brevity of life with each cloud we tear through. I feel a false sense, and I forget that it is false, that I am in control. I pick where I go. I chose to go and to come and to be. I chose it, it was not forced upon me. I am not trapped to do any of those things but I chose to. I feel temporarily in control of my life.
I feel something like this every time I get on a plane. These days are gems and I really wanted to write down the feeling because it really is wonderful. And I don't know if I really quite got it, but I hope to try and feel that way more often.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Part II
There are a lot of things I'm going to miss about Vancouver. I love the weekly poetry slams and the amazing environmentally supportive coffee shops that litter the city. I love the way Van embraces music and the arts. I love that everyone has a unique style here and that people aren't afraid to be weird or different. I love my friend and roommate. I love my new friends and I like my job. I love the way that everything is just a walk away and the way that most people in the city are really friendly. I love the way that people cram together in buses and come eye to eye with one another, instead of spending the trip to work in isolation in their cars. I love my apartment and my makeshift bed. I love walking through Granville Island and experiencing the beauty that only God can make.
I really like living in Vancouver.
But on a night like this, when I'm alone and I don't want to be. When all I can think about is having a glass of wine with my mom, or having an amazing conversation at cell, or looking forward to my christian family being there every sunday, or watching God's spirit move in my family, in ways that I never thought possible, when I think about these, everything else just seems unimportant. When I think about the way that Molly's face lights up when she sees me and Maysa screams my name and runs over to give me a hug, and the way that Modi always has something to share with me, I realize how much my heart aches to have those kids back in my life.
I know I said all of this before but tonight I needed to write it out again and remember that it's only a few short weeks until I get to hug my mom, and the kids, and tell the girls at church how much they mean to me, and stand next to my community in worship at church. Only a few short weeks until I get to put everything I've learned out here into action. I can't wait.
I really like living in Vancouver.
But on a night like this, when I'm alone and I don't want to be. When all I can think about is having a glass of wine with my mom, or having an amazing conversation at cell, or looking forward to my christian family being there every sunday, or watching God's spirit move in my family, in ways that I never thought possible, when I think about these, everything else just seems unimportant. When I think about the way that Molly's face lights up when she sees me and Maysa screams my name and runs over to give me a hug, and the way that Modi always has something to share with me, I realize how much my heart aches to have those kids back in my life.
I know I said all of this before but tonight I needed to write it out again and remember that it's only a few short weeks until I get to hug my mom, and the kids, and tell the girls at church how much they mean to me, and stand next to my community in worship at church. Only a few short weeks until I get to put everything I've learned out here into action. I can't wait.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Vancouver
I've only been away from home for about 2 months, and I learned that I would rather see my mom's first drama at our church, then be in an Olympic city during the Olympics.
I've learned that I can live without many things but there are a few things, that my heart is aching for here. God has been showing me what is really important in my life. I spent so much time at home complaining about my family and my small town and my general life that I forgot to see how beautiful parts of it are.
I have some really really amazing friends at home. And rather than being with them, I spend a lot of time sitting around my apartment doing absolutely nothing. Jordan is one of the busiest people I know. She goes to school full time and works 30 hours a week. She is in one of the healthiest relationships I have ever seen, and she is usually up until 2 am working on homework for school. She has no time. And so I spend my days either at work, or alone. I haven't been able to find a church out here and I can feel the huge difference in myself from being away from the amazing church community I had at home.
God is redeeming my family. I can see it. It's happening so slowly that sometimes I loose hope and I give up, but God is showing me through my step dad that no one is too far to turn to Him. My parents have become different people in the last few months. Dave has started going to NAC on Sundays with my Mom, who recently connected with the leader of the drama department at NAC and is able to use her years of acting school to benefit the Kingdom. She feels fufilled and Dave can see the change in her. 5 years ago, I was the only Christian in a family full of people that mocked me for it every day. Today, two members of that family want to learn more, one gave her life to Christ and was baptised last summer, and I can see that Dave is finding God in his life.
I learned that I would rather sit in my old kitchen having late night conversations with my mom, than sit on my free couch in my nice apartment watching tv. I learned that something big is missing from my life when I don't have the oppurtunity to work with children. I learned that some friends are too valuable to leave behind, even when surrounded by other great friends. I learned that a real community is hard to find and worth fighting for. I learned that my life, for all the griping and whining I've done about it, is really pretty great at home. I learned that my heart won't be satisfied until I get my feet back on the ground in Africa, and there really aren't any substitutes for that.
It's funny that I was so stubborn that God needed to bring me all the way accross the country to realize these things. But I am so thankful that I finally listened to Him. At the risk of looking flaky, I am going to be moving home at the end of next month. I know an amazing family that is looking for a full time live in Nanny in Newmarket and I'm going to be looking for something similar. Its going to be important to have my own space after living on my own for 3 months, so I'm really looking forward to seeing what God provides.
The truth is that I've been feeling this call back to Ontario for a while and I ignored it because I was worried that people at home would think I was flaky, but I know that what's happening between me and God is more important than what some people will think of me.
I've learned that I can live without many things but there are a few things, that my heart is aching for here. God has been showing me what is really important in my life. I spent so much time at home complaining about my family and my small town and my general life that I forgot to see how beautiful parts of it are.
I have some really really amazing friends at home. And rather than being with them, I spend a lot of time sitting around my apartment doing absolutely nothing. Jordan is one of the busiest people I know. She goes to school full time and works 30 hours a week. She is in one of the healthiest relationships I have ever seen, and she is usually up until 2 am working on homework for school. She has no time. And so I spend my days either at work, or alone. I haven't been able to find a church out here and I can feel the huge difference in myself from being away from the amazing church community I had at home.
God is redeeming my family. I can see it. It's happening so slowly that sometimes I loose hope and I give up, but God is showing me through my step dad that no one is too far to turn to Him. My parents have become different people in the last few months. Dave has started going to NAC on Sundays with my Mom, who recently connected with the leader of the drama department at NAC and is able to use her years of acting school to benefit the Kingdom. She feels fufilled and Dave can see the change in her. 5 years ago, I was the only Christian in a family full of people that mocked me for it every day. Today, two members of that family want to learn more, one gave her life to Christ and was baptised last summer, and I can see that Dave is finding God in his life.
I learned that I would rather sit in my old kitchen having late night conversations with my mom, than sit on my free couch in my nice apartment watching tv. I learned that something big is missing from my life when I don't have the oppurtunity to work with children. I learned that some friends are too valuable to leave behind, even when surrounded by other great friends. I learned that a real community is hard to find and worth fighting for. I learned that my life, for all the griping and whining I've done about it, is really pretty great at home. I learned that my heart won't be satisfied until I get my feet back on the ground in Africa, and there really aren't any substitutes for that.
It's funny that I was so stubborn that God needed to bring me all the way accross the country to realize these things. But I am so thankful that I finally listened to Him. At the risk of looking flaky, I am going to be moving home at the end of next month. I know an amazing family that is looking for a full time live in Nanny in Newmarket and I'm going to be looking for something similar. Its going to be important to have my own space after living on my own for 3 months, so I'm really looking forward to seeing what God provides.
The truth is that I've been feeling this call back to Ontario for a while and I ignored it because I was worried that people at home would think I was flaky, but I know that what's happening between me and God is more important than what some people will think of me.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
You're too nice..
Today at work, I was shelving a book called "Why Men Love Bitches". The book is about being less nice, because nice girls don't get the guy. This author has been unbelievable successful. When I was working at the spa back home, a few girls I worked with mentioned the book and one came to the conclusion that this was her problem, that she was too nice. I told her then that I didn't think there is such a thing, and most people just laughed and continued to talk about how awesome the book is.
The other day, someone told me that they were concerned about me. They meant it in a loving way, and I could see that, so I asked why. They told me that they felt that I was too nice and I didn't know how to stand up for myself. They had seen me yield to others in many different situations, and they essentially called me a doormat.
I'm trying to figure out where we got so lost and confused about what it means to be nice. It's not a bad thing. If only the world were full of more nice people. The last thing we need right now is more mean, ruthless people. Is this what they want from me?
For the record, I am nice. I like being nice. I like yielding to other people. I like letting my friends go ahead of me, and doing dishes for my friends, and making lunch for Jordan when she doesn't have time to make it for herself. I like doing those things, which, I guess, makes me nice. But people who have known me for a long time would tell you that I have no problem standing up for myself. Because of my lack of understanding in the area of forgiveness, it was easy for me to instantly retaliate. The girl I used to be would never let anything offensive walk by untouched. I know how to handle myself and I am certainly not a doormat. Unless I choose to be.
I think more than anything, this whole idea just makes me really sad for the people of the world, and even some of the people of God. Being mean, being hard and tough, and having a hard heart; these things don't protect you from anything. If anything they increase your hardships because if nothing can get in than nothing can get out either.
Weakness and kindness have nothing to do with each other. Maybe false kindness can be a bi product of weakness but that is an entirely different issue. Do not be fooled by the world into thinking that being nice is not good. If only we could recall that people who the world calls successful are far from it. Money can't change anything inside of a person, and so why do we envy their cruel personalities? Mean people aren't happy people. Don't adapt the traits that even they wish didn't belong to them.
I am soft. I let people push me aside from time to time. I silently bless people and I love every second of it. I have no money, but I have something so much more valuable. I have a relationship with the Most High, and I have love in my life. I am nice because I feel my God cheering me on when I am. They are hard because they aren't listening.
Don't close your ears to God and chase the loss of kindness in yourself. But rather turn a deaf ear to the world and listen to the voice of your creator cheering you on to be nice, to be a blessing, to be His.
The other day, someone told me that they were concerned about me. They meant it in a loving way, and I could see that, so I asked why. They told me that they felt that I was too nice and I didn't know how to stand up for myself. They had seen me yield to others in many different situations, and they essentially called me a doormat.
I'm trying to figure out where we got so lost and confused about what it means to be nice. It's not a bad thing. If only the world were full of more nice people. The last thing we need right now is more mean, ruthless people. Is this what they want from me?
For the record, I am nice. I like being nice. I like yielding to other people. I like letting my friends go ahead of me, and doing dishes for my friends, and making lunch for Jordan when she doesn't have time to make it for herself. I like doing those things, which, I guess, makes me nice. But people who have known me for a long time would tell you that I have no problem standing up for myself. Because of my lack of understanding in the area of forgiveness, it was easy for me to instantly retaliate. The girl I used to be would never let anything offensive walk by untouched. I know how to handle myself and I am certainly not a doormat. Unless I choose to be.
I think more than anything, this whole idea just makes me really sad for the people of the world, and even some of the people of God. Being mean, being hard and tough, and having a hard heart; these things don't protect you from anything. If anything they increase your hardships because if nothing can get in than nothing can get out either.
Weakness and kindness have nothing to do with each other. Maybe false kindness can be a bi product of weakness but that is an entirely different issue. Do not be fooled by the world into thinking that being nice is not good. If only we could recall that people who the world calls successful are far from it. Money can't change anything inside of a person, and so why do we envy their cruel personalities? Mean people aren't happy people. Don't adapt the traits that even they wish didn't belong to them.
I am soft. I let people push me aside from time to time. I silently bless people and I love every second of it. I have no money, but I have something so much more valuable. I have a relationship with the Most High, and I have love in my life. I am nice because I feel my God cheering me on when I am. They are hard because they aren't listening.
Don't close your ears to God and chase the loss of kindness in yourself. But rather turn a deaf ear to the world and listen to the voice of your creator cheering you on to be nice, to be a blessing, to be His.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Today
In two weeks, I'm supposed to be leaving for BC. My best friend is looking for place for us. Things are in motion for that to become a reality very soon. But there are just so many thing holding me back from commiting my heart to the idea of moving across the country.
I was telling a friend recently that home always starts to seem perfect just before it's time to leave. Lately, it feels like all of my friendships are stronger than ever. I have more fun than ever before. I'm learning to embrace Newmarket for the first time. My church seems a little more perfect every week. My mom has been chasing Jesus with her whole heart and my family atmosphere is not intolerable for the first time in the last 5 years. I recently quit a job that I hated. There is nothing about this place that is pushing me away. And suddenly the idea of leaving becomes less and less desirable.
My motiviation for leaving is based completely on a few simple philosophies. One being, that this is my life. I am writing the story of my life everyday and I want it to be a good one. Filled with adventure, and risks, and passion, and joy. And going out to Vancouver would fufill these ideals.
So I'm faced with a multitude of issues, and questions, and the clock is ticking. I wish there was a simply answer but the best learning experiences usually don't have one. I am confused between two desires, two homes, two dreams. I feel so torn in such a seemingly clear situation. To most people reading this, the answer is clear, to go to BC and seek the adventure. It's hard to communicate the relief that comes with a home life that is peaceful for someone who has had a life like I have. I have never known this kind of life before. I have never enjoyed coming home at the end of the day. I have never had a job that I loved. I have never had a group of amazing friends who are more like family every day. So home has suddenly taken on a new definition for me. It's always been somewhere Ive been dying to escape from, and now here I am ready to leave, and things are so warm and cozy that I just don't want to. It's only natural that I would not be eager to give that up after such a short time.
I think that this is probably more of a heart issue than it is anything else. I have already given my word to Jordan that I would be moving out there with her. She needs me to come and be her roommate and I will not let her down. And it is really more like an experiment than a lifelong commitment. I know it would not be hard to come home if things were terrible.
It is more than likely that I will just get over myself and seek the adventure with God and Jordan. But tonight this just needed to come out.
I was telling a friend recently that home always starts to seem perfect just before it's time to leave. Lately, it feels like all of my friendships are stronger than ever. I have more fun than ever before. I'm learning to embrace Newmarket for the first time. My church seems a little more perfect every week. My mom has been chasing Jesus with her whole heart and my family atmosphere is not intolerable for the first time in the last 5 years. I recently quit a job that I hated. There is nothing about this place that is pushing me away. And suddenly the idea of leaving becomes less and less desirable.
My motiviation for leaving is based completely on a few simple philosophies. One being, that this is my life. I am writing the story of my life everyday and I want it to be a good one. Filled with adventure, and risks, and passion, and joy. And going out to Vancouver would fufill these ideals.
So I'm faced with a multitude of issues, and questions, and the clock is ticking. I wish there was a simply answer but the best learning experiences usually don't have one. I am confused between two desires, two homes, two dreams. I feel so torn in such a seemingly clear situation. To most people reading this, the answer is clear, to go to BC and seek the adventure. It's hard to communicate the relief that comes with a home life that is peaceful for someone who has had a life like I have. I have never known this kind of life before. I have never enjoyed coming home at the end of the day. I have never had a job that I loved. I have never had a group of amazing friends who are more like family every day. So home has suddenly taken on a new definition for me. It's always been somewhere Ive been dying to escape from, and now here I am ready to leave, and things are so warm and cozy that I just don't want to. It's only natural that I would not be eager to give that up after such a short time.
I think that this is probably more of a heart issue than it is anything else. I have already given my word to Jordan that I would be moving out there with her. She needs me to come and be her roommate and I will not let her down. And it is really more like an experiment than a lifelong commitment. I know it would not be hard to come home if things were terrible.
It is more than likely that I will just get over myself and seek the adventure with God and Jordan. But tonight this just needed to come out.
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