Today

In two weeks, I'm supposed to be leaving for BC. My best friend is looking for place for us. Things are in motion for that to become a reality very soon. But there are just so many thing holding me back from commiting my heart to the idea of moving across the country.

I was telling a friend recently that home always starts to seem perfect just before it's time to leave. Lately, it feels like all of my friendships are stronger than ever. I have more fun than ever before. I'm learning to embrace Newmarket for the first time. My church seems a little more perfect every week. My mom has been chasing Jesus with her whole heart and my family atmosphere is not intolerable for the first time in the last 5 years. I recently quit a job that I hated. There is nothing about this place that is pushing me away. And suddenly the idea of leaving becomes less and less desirable.

My motiviation for leaving is based completely on a few simple philosophies. One being, that this is my life. I am writing the story of my life everyday and I want it to be a good one. Filled with adventure, and risks, and passion, and joy. And going out to Vancouver would fufill these ideals.

So I'm faced with a multitude of issues, and questions, and the clock is ticking. I wish there was a simply answer but the best learning experiences usually don't have one. I am confused between two desires, two homes, two dreams. I feel so torn in such a seemingly clear situation. To most people reading this, the answer is clear, to go to BC and seek the adventure. It's hard to communicate the relief that comes with a home life that is peaceful for someone who has had a life like I have. I have never known this kind of life before. I have never enjoyed coming home at the end of the day. I have never had a job that I loved. I have never had a group of amazing friends who are more like family every day. So home has suddenly taken on a new definition for me. It's always been somewhere Ive been dying to escape from, and now here I am ready to leave, and things are so warm and cozy that I just don't want to. It's only natural that I would not be eager to give that up after such a short time.

I think that this is probably more of a heart issue than it is anything else. I have already given my word to Jordan that I would be moving out there with her. She needs me to come and be her roommate and I will not let her down. And it is really more like an experiment than a lifelong commitment. I know it would not be hard to come home if things were terrible.

It is more than likely that I will just get over myself and seek the adventure with God and Jordan. But tonight this just needed to come out.