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Stale Faith

2010-01-12T00:00:00.005-05:00

A few months ago, I was in a rough patch with my relationship with God. One of those times when it's hard to pick up my bible and His voice is so quiet and He seems so far away.

During my first few weeks in Vancouver I went to church with the family we were living with. On my second or third visit to Cap Church, the lady giving the teaching that morning spoke on the exact issue that I had been struggling with. So after her teaching I asked her for some prayer on that issue. She looked a little taken aback by my request, since she had just met me a few weeks before and I was now standing before her asking for her prayers with tears in my eyes.

So she prayed with me. And then she said something about how it's okay when our walk with God gets less intense and we don't hear Him as much as we used to. And how its usually only like that in the beginning. And I really accepted that idea. I really let it in and lived it out. I let things with God be quiet and I was okay with it. And it took me until tonight to shake myself out of that mindset.

Why should we ever learn to feel comfortable in a time when we are distant from God. He is closer than our skin, and we are meant to live in constant communion with Him. Where did we pick up the idea that its alright to let things stay quiet between us.

I'm sure that this lady was just trying to reassure me that God wasn't far away and that He still loved me. But my issue was that things were stagnant between Him and I, not that I was afraid He was gone.

I worry that we are being trained and counseled to be comfortable with this feeling. That when our faith is standing still and our walk with God is slowing down, that we are simply told that its okay and its normal and it happens to all of us. We are not called to be normal. We are not called to be comfortable and to live quiet lives with a boring relationship with God.

It's not okay to let that be. Of course there are seasons where God seems quiet or distant, but we should never lay down and accept that feeling. We should be fighting for intimacy, we should be pressing on for new depths, for breakthrough.

My hope in saying all of this is to encourage you that God is a loud, excited God who raises people from the dead and shakes the mountains and turns entire cities of people into pillars of salt. He is not mundane or boring in the least and as such, our relationships with Him cannot be either. Press forward. Run harder. Breakthrough is just around the corner.

New Years

2010-01-02T22:18:00.003-05:00

I've never really been a fan of New Years Day. It's never really meant much to me. I had a few sweet evenings with my mom and brother when we were kids, but since I've been an adult, I've never really understood the fuss.

This year is one of the first that I've decided to let the New Year coincide with a new chapter in my life. I've spent the last few months in a season of loneliness and hardship. I've found my self on more than one occasion feeling completely lost and without hope for my life. It's hard to wait so long and have no answers, and without a community or any family around me, it was easy to get swallowed up in complete despair.

Being here, in Ontario, for the last two weeks has been amazing.

It started out really rough. I had foolishly aloud myself to believe that when my feet touch Ontario ground everything I had been struggling with would instantly disappear. I would instantly feel satisfied and alive, but it didn't happen right away.

There was, of course, the initial excitement of being in a 'new' place and seeing how excited everyone was to see me. It felt great for the first couple of days. And then the excitement settled and everything seemed to go right back to the way it had been before I had left for Vancouver. And the same feeling I had been fighting with over there started to show up here.

It's hard to describe but sometimes in those moments, it feels really good to feel sorry for yourself, to indulge every little doubt and fear that you have about your life. I let myself go there really hard. Nothing seemed to be the way I thought it was going to be. My first appearance back at my church was interrupted by an ex boyfriend suddenly showing up. Seeing the kids was great but soon became extremely draining. My mom doesn't have a great deal of patience for self pity, so we ended up fighting quite a bit. All the things I had missed the most about Ontario really weren't living up to the expectations I had had for them.

It was really hard for a couple of weeks.

In the last few days I made more of an effort to spend time with people I care about. I worshipped in a corporate setting for the first time in months. I connected with God in the kind of intense way that I used to. He's teaching me slowly, because I just don't seem to get it, that spending time with people who I care about and who care about me is good and I did start to feel better when I was, but spending time with Him is so much more incredible. His words are like honey, like fresh water to someone who's been wandering the desert, like gold. That 5 minutes in intimate worship with God can wipe away 3 months of loneliness, or start to at least.

So this New Years, I've decided to leave behind the time of despair and seek out a season of joy and peace. I once heard someone say that they wanted peace so powerful and strong that it shook the unseen world. Peace so great that it was violent to the enemy. That's what I'm asking God for in this season, dangerous peace.

Ontario

2009-12-15T01:49:00.004-05:00

There's a feeling I get only when I travel. I never feel it on other days; days that don't involve a plane. But every single time I get on a plane and leave a place, it comes back.

I tried to put it into words on Sunday morning when I was waiting at the airport with Jordan at 5am for my flight but nothing seemed to justify it. But it's something like this:

I feel very much relieved from every situation I have ever felt trapped in. I feel like an independent body. I feel free and yet trapped, but hopeful. I feel that situations and circumstances that once rose against me become so meaningless when I am in the air; when I am in transition from one place to another. Every thing I felt trapped by, an awkward situation or a job that I suffered through, they all seem so inconsequential and insignificant. They melt away and become as small as the houses beneath me. No soul-tie and hold me up there. I feel like anything is possible, any life, any location, it all seems within reach. I feel trapped by myself, that no matter where I go, no matter how far away from the place that shaped me, I am always who I am. I feel irrevocably like myself. I feel mortal and the brevity of life with each cloud we tear through. I feel a false sense, and I forget that it is false, that I am in control. I pick where I go. I chose to go and to come and to be. I chose it, it was not forced upon me. I am not trapped to do any of those things but I chose to. I feel temporarily in control of my life.

I feel something like this every time I get on a plane. These days are gems and I really wanted to write down the feeling because it really is wonderful. And I don't know if I really quite got it, but I hope to try and feel that way more often.

Part II

2009-11-21T00:48:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of things I'm going to miss about Vancouver. I love the weekly poetry slams and the amazing environmentally supportive coffee shops that litter the city. I love the way Van embraces music and the arts. I love that everyone has a unique style here and that people aren't afraid to be weird or different. I love my friend and roommate. I love my new friends and I like my job. I love the way that everything is just a walk away and the way that most people in the city are really friendly. I love the way that people cram together in buses and come eye to eye with one another, instead of spending the trip to work in isolation in their cars. I love my apartment and my makeshift bed. I love walking through Granville Island and experiencing the beauty that only God can make.

I really like living in Vancouver.

But on a night like this, when I'm alone and I don't want to be. When all I can think about is having a glass of wine with my mom, or having an amazing conversation at cell, or looking forward to my christian family being there every sunday, or watching God's spirit move in my family, in ways that I never thought possible, when I think about these, everything else just seems unimportant. When I think about the way that Molly's face lights up when she sees me and Maysa screams my name and runs over to give me a hug, and the way that Modi always has something to share with me, I realize how much my heart aches to have those kids back in my life.

I know I said all of this before but tonight I needed to write it out again and remember that it's only a few short weeks until I get to hug my mom, and the kids, and tell the girls at church how much they mean to me, and stand next to my community in worship at church. Only a few short weeks until I get to put everything I've learned out here into action. I can't wait.

Vancouver

2009-11-11T12:07:00.004-05:00

I've only been away from home for about 2 months, and I learned that I would rather see my mom's first drama at our church, then be in an Olympic city during the Olympics.

I've learned that I can live without many things but there are a few things, that my heart is aching for here. God has been showing me what is really important in my life. I spent so much time at home complaining about my family and my small town and my general life that I forgot to see how beautiful parts of it are.

I have some really really amazing friends at home. And rather than being with them, I spend a lot of time sitting around my apartment doing absolutely nothing. Jordan is one of the busiest people I know. She goes to school full time and works 30 hours a week. She is in one of the healthiest relationships I have ever seen, and she is usually up until 2 am working on homework for school. She has no time. And so I spend my days either at work, or alone. I haven't been able to find a church out here and I can feel the huge difference in myself from being away from the amazing church community I had at home.

God is redeeming my family. I can see it. It's happening so slowly that sometimes I loose hope and I give up, but God is showing me through my step dad that no one is too far to turn to Him. My parents have become different people in the last few months. Dave has started going to NAC on Sundays with my Mom, who recently connected with the leader of the drama department at NAC and is able to use her years of acting school to benefit the Kingdom. She feels fufilled and Dave can see the change in her. 5 years ago, I was the only Christian in a family full of people that mocked me for it every day. Today, two members of that family want to learn more, one gave her life to Christ and was baptised last summer, and I can see that Dave is finding God in his life.

I learned that I would rather sit in my old kitchen having late night conversations with my mom, than sit on my free couch in my nice apartment watching tv. I learned that something big is missing from my life when I don't have the oppurtunity to work with children. I learned that some friends are too valuable to leave behind, even when surrounded by other great friends. I learned that a real community is hard to find and worth fighting for. I learned that my life, for all the griping and whining I've done about it, is really pretty great at home. I learned that my heart won't be satisfied until I get my feet back on the ground in Africa, and there really aren't any substitutes for that.

It's funny that I was so stubborn that God needed to bring me all the way accross the country to realize these things. But I am so thankful that I finally listened to Him. At the risk of looking flaky, I am going to be moving home at the end of next month. I know an amazing family that is looking for a full time live in Nanny in Newmarket and I'm going to be looking for something similar. Its going to be important to have my own space after living on my own for 3 months, so I'm really looking forward to seeing what God provides.

The truth is that I've been feeling this call back to Ontario for a while and I ignored it because I was worried that people at home would think I was flaky, but I know that what's happening between me and God is more important than what some people will think of me.

You're too nice..

2009-11-05T19:06:00.007-05:00

Today at work, I was shelving a book called "Why Men Love Bitches". The book is about being less nice, because nice girls don't get the guy. This author has been unbelievable successful. When I was working at the spa back home, a few girls I worked with mentioned the book and one came to the conclusion that this was her problem, that she was too nice. I told her then that I didn't think there is such a thing, and most people just laughed and continued to talk about how awesome the book is.

The other day, someone told me that they were concerned about me. They meant it in a loving way, and I could see that, so I asked why. They told me that they felt that I was too nice and I didn't know how to stand up for myself. They had seen me yield to others in many different situations, and they essentially called me a doormat.

I'm trying to figure out where we got so lost and confused about what it means to be nice. It's not a bad thing. If only the world were full of more nice people. The last thing we need right now is more mean, ruthless people. Is this what they want from me?

For the record, I am nice. I like being nice. I like yielding to other people. I like letting my friends go ahead of me, and doing dishes for my friends, and making lunch for Jordan when she doesn't have time to make it for herself. I like doing those things, which, I guess, makes me nice. But people who have known me for a long time would tell you that I have no problem standing up for myself. Because of my lack of understanding in the area of forgiveness, it was easy for me to instantly retaliate. The girl I used to be would never let anything offensive walk by untouched. I know how to handle myself and I am certainly not a doormat. Unless I choose to be.

I think more than anything, this whole idea just makes me really sad for the people of the world, and even some of the people of God. Being mean, being hard and tough, and having a hard heart; these things don't protect you from anything. If anything they increase your hardships because if nothing can get in than nothing can get out either.

Weakness and kindness have nothing to do with each other. Maybe false kindness can be a bi product of weakness but that is an entirely different issue. Do not be fooled by the world into thinking that being nice is not good. If only we could recall that people who the world calls successful are far from it. Money can't change anything inside of a person, and so why do we envy their cruel personalities? Mean people aren't happy people. Don't adapt the traits that even they wish didn't belong to them.

I am soft. I let people push me aside from time to time. I silently bless people and I love every second of it. I have no money, but I have something so much more valuable. I have a relationship with the Most High, and I have love in my life. I am nice because I feel my God cheering me on when I am. They are hard because they aren't listening.

Don't close your ears to God and chase the loss of kindness in yourself. But rather turn a deaf ear to the world and listen to the voice of your creator cheering you on to be nice, to be a blessing, to be His.

Today

2009-09-12T21:05:00.003-04:00

In two weeks, I'm supposed to be leaving for BC. My best friend is looking for place for us. Things are in motion for that to become a reality very soon. But there are just so many thing holding me back from commiting my heart to the idea of moving across the country.

I was telling a friend recently that home always starts to seem perfect just before it's time to leave. Lately, it feels like all of my friendships are stronger than ever. I have more fun than ever before. I'm learning to embrace Newmarket for the first time. My church seems a little more perfect every week. My mom has been chasing Jesus with her whole heart and my family atmosphere is not intolerable for the first time in the last 5 years. I recently quit a job that I hated. There is nothing about this place that is pushing me away. And suddenly the idea of leaving becomes less and less desirable.

My motiviation for leaving is based completely on a few simple philosophies. One being, that this is my life. I am writing the story of my life everyday and I want it to be a good one. Filled with adventure, and risks, and passion, and joy. And going out to Vancouver would fufill these ideals.

So I'm faced with a multitude of issues, and questions, and the clock is ticking. I wish there was a simply answer but the best learning experiences usually don't have one. I am confused between two desires, two homes, two dreams. I feel so torn in such a seemingly clear situation. To most people reading this, the answer is clear, to go to BC and seek the adventure. It's hard to communicate the relief that comes with a home life that is peaceful for someone who has had a life like I have. I have never known this kind of life before. I have never enjoyed coming home at the end of the day. I have never had a job that I loved. I have never had a group of amazing friends who are more like family every day. So home has suddenly taken on a new definition for me. It's always been somewhere Ive been dying to escape from, and now here I am ready to leave, and things are so warm and cozy that I just don't want to. It's only natural that I would not be eager to give that up after such a short time.

I think that this is probably more of a heart issue than it is anything else. I have already given my word to Jordan that I would be moving out there with her. She needs me to come and be her roommate and I will not let her down. And it is really more like an experiment than a lifelong commitment. I know it would not be hard to come home if things were terrible.

It is more than likely that I will just get over myself and seek the adventure with God and Jordan. But tonight this just needed to come out.

There's something in the air..

2009-07-10T17:04:00.005-04:00

And it's not love.

I get this feeling sometimes. Not often. But it's like butterflies, an unexplainable excitement. Things are not fantastic with me right now but something inside of me is bubbling up with joy. I feel a sense of anticipation rising. I had this same feeling on Sunday this week just before I taught at NAC and God showed up in a really cool way. And I have it today. I don't know why, but something inside of me is getting all worked up and usually when this happens God is about to do something, He's about to show up, He's about to move, He's about to start changing things.

I once heard a man named Shane Claibourne speak. He lives the craziest life for Jesus. He's been arrested and persecuted often for listening to the crazy things Jesus asks him to do. He has no home, and hardly any possessions because he felt God's calling to get down in the dirt and grime and minister to the homeless on a real level. He talked about how the name of Jesus is a dangerous but exciting name. Things change when that name is spoken to an open heart. Shane sleeps on benches while loving on the homeless in response to the call of Jesus and gets arrested. He said that when people say the name of Jesus, he always gets a little nervous in a "oooooh say it again!" kind of way. He said he gets chills because he never knows whats about to happen.

That's kind of how I feel today. Nervous and so excited. I feel like God is about to show up; and who knows that can mean.

Uxbridge is the new black

2009-06-22T14:49:00.007-04:00

I had the most perfect day yesterday. After an evening of popcorn and movies and catching up, I woke up in my super comfy bed at the lovely miss Emily's house to fabulous music. We left about 20 minutes after I woke up (who needs makeup anyways?) to drive her to her job at Harlow's, my favorite coffee shop, next to Coffee Culture. She whipped me up a Vanillia Soy Latte, for the road and I began the lovely drive to Newmarket, Ipod in hand, wind on my face, and Latte cooling, in my fabulous little car. I got to town around 8am, so I had an hour to kill before work.
I parked at Fairly Lake and just walked around, hung out with God, and enjoyed the beautiful park.

Just to make the morning a little more perfect, I was passed by two boys who were clearly terrified to see a girl, and who starting speaking very loudly about elves and wizards and maidens, I think to try and emulate coolness.

From my morning, I would assume that only the most lovely people stroll through parks at 8am on a Friday morning. Every single person said "Hello" or "Good morning". It was humid, so my curly hair was about the size of a soccer ball by the time I walked to work, but there is such liberty in being more concerned with life and enjoying the moment, than fussying over something trivial, such as appearances.

I worked the morning and took my break at home, where my mom's cell group was hanging out in the backyard by the pool. They were the most fun ladies to spend my lunch with. And I ended my day nannying my gorgeous kids, while watching Napolean Dynamite, which just happened to be on TV.

It was just one of those days when the world seems a little bit more beautiful and peaceful. And God rises up such a hope for the future in me. He reminds me to appreciate all of the little details that He made for us and be unconcerned with the unimportant things. He reminds me that He is faithful and forever pouring out simple blessings on me. And He teaches me, softly and gently, as always, to be thankful, and patient. I think about where my life was a month ago, and where He has brought me and it is just completely unimaginable. And my favorite part of all, it is completely impossible by the hands of Man.

Chick Flicks

2009-06-17T23:31:00.009-04:00

I have a lot of mixed feelings about "chick flicks". Part of me loves them and part of me hates them. The part of me that loves them is the part that likes to think about one day. It likes to day dream and imagine my very own happily ever after, with my very own Godly man. It likes to imagine that the story book ending I just witnessed, could happen to me.

The problem with this part of me, is that it's toxic to be immersed in day dreams all of the time. It is nice to think about the possibilities, but the more I indulge the (I want to say fantasies, but it's never a sexual thing), the more my expectations grow and before long, my demands could be so high that no one would ever reach them. I'm not suggesting that we should have low expectations, but I am encouraging the notion that every person we meet will have some obvious character flaw. We are all equally messed up, and therefore, a relationship between two messed up people will likely never be perfect. One might argue that through God a perfect relationship could exist, and maybe it could, but the truth is, I've been in relationships where God was the center, and my boyfriend was a Godly man, and things still went wrong somewhere. I think it's important to remember that reality is completely seperate from movies, which can be too easy to forget, especially for women.

I once heard it said that chick flicks are "emotional porn". Unfortunately, I would agree with this idea, unless you are able to seperate reality from the hollywood, picture perfect, super cheesy, scripted lines coming out of a man who is probably wearing more makeup than I have ever worn in my life. We watch movies like Twilight and expect that an "impossibly beautiful" vampire with super human strength will come into our lives, save us from a car accident, and devote his entire life to loving us. I thought it was hilarious and tragic that there is a facebook group for guys who have been dumped by their girlfriends after they saw twilight, because they couldn't measure up to Edward Cullen.

It is important to know your worth and know your value. You deserve to be treated (to be super cheesy) like royalty. You deserve love and you were made for it.

BUT:
If you are single - in the mean time, do not be discontent with your current circumstances. Take this time to push deeper into Christ, and to learn who you are as an individual. If you do this, with all of your heart, before long, you will find more patience that you ever knew existed.
If you are in a relationship - have patience with your partner. They are likely flawed just as you are. Do not expect the hero(ine) in the last chick flick you saw to suddenly replace the person you are dating. However, if he/she really needs to spend more time in Christ and getting to know who they are, it's probably the best thing you can do for them and for yourself to let them go.

As for chick flicks, they are fun if you can seperate fact from fiction but they're toxic if you can't. There was a time when I wouldn't let myself even listen to love songs because they caused me to desire a relationship, and I knew my heart wasn't ready for one. Know yourself, know your heart, and know your God. The rest is just details.

The Day I Became a Single Mom

2009-06-13T18:07:00.006-04:00

Two nights ago I was getting ready for bed, when the phone rang. The name was one I have no hope of pronouncing, so when my mom told me the phone was for me, I had no idea who could it could be. When I took the phone, a woman with a really thick middle-eastern accent offered me a job as a babysitter, three times a week. I know what you're thinking.. it's a 12 year old girls job. But the truth is, I was working as a babysitter at a gym part time while I was looking for a full time job, and it was the most fun I've ever had at work. I wanted to keep the job when I started working at the salon, but the hours conflicted too much. I was heart broken to let it go and I wrestled with the decision for a while. I've always felt it ludicrous to work solely for money, hating what you do, so to let a job I loved go for a job I really don't like, only because one could offer me more money was really hard for me. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I needed a full time job in order to pursue my calling to follow God to Africa in September.

So about a week after turning down my old job at the gym, this woman calls out of the blue, telling me that my mom's friend (who I had casually told that I love working with kids) recommended me so highly that she didn't even want to interview me. She offered me a job starting the next day, and (the coolest part) for the exact same days that I had been working at the gym, with more workable hours. I knew that I still had to keep my other job as a top priority, since I need the money I am making at the salon if I want to make it to Kenya, so I said I would come the next night after work and babysit for her for the evening and we could figure things out from there. I told my boss first thing in the morning and assured her that I was committed to her first but really wanted to take this opportunity and she said we could rework my hours so that I could do both jobs.

This is a blessing in so many ways. First, my boss said that she could see how badly I wanted the babysitting job and she didn't want to stand in the way of that and offered to help me rework my schedule to make it happen. God gave me so much favour with her that I still can't believe how smoothly that conversation went. Secondly, it's a much nicer environment to be in then the gym was and there are always kids for me to hang out with. There would be times at the gym where I would be sitting around waiting for hours with nothing to do, unable to leave. Third, I make more working with Melody and her kids then I was making at the gym. Fourth, and most important, I get paid to do something that I would do for free, which just happens to be the thing that makes me come alive the most.

God has been dropping revelations more generously these past few months then ever before in my conversations with Him. There was a huge period in my life where I had no idea what direction my life would take. I had nothing to say when people asked me what I wanted to do or even what I was doing the next year. About a month ago, when I was hanging out with the kids at the gym, and I came home and could not shut up about how amazing the kids were and how much fun I had. After letting me ramble on for a while, my mom said something along the lines of "it's not normal for you to enjoy spending time with other people's kids this much. Most people would be grumpy and exhausted, but you're wired". God began to show me that I am called to pursue working with children.

Yesterday I worked 9 hours at the salon and immediately went to the kids house. I stayed until 10:30pm and then after working over 12 hours in one day, I came home to crash on my bed. My boss at the salon asked me to come in early this morning, so at 6:30am my alarm started singing. I went straight to work until noon and then spent the rest of the day with the three most beautiful and adorable kids in the world. (Which is about when I realized that I'm living the life of a sinlge mom). And I'm exhausted. But when I'm coming home at the end of the day feeling so tired I can barely lift my arms, my heart feels full.

This blog is to say a whole bunch of things. It's to encourage those who are waiting on a dream, who may have had to turn down something that seemed perfect. God has the perfect timing and He knows your hearts desires. He will bring the right things at the right time and he will astound you, in ways that only He can. This blog is also meant as a praise report that He has blessed me beyond what I could have expected. And lastly, this blog is a calling to find what your spirit is thirsty for, to find what makes your heart feel full at the end of the day and ask God to bring the pieces of the puzzle together.

There is a reason that you are here. I pray that you find it and that you learn how to walk in it. I'm lucky enough to know that my life is going to be full of loving on children. And I can't wait to hear about all of the amazing plans God reveals to the rest of you about your lives.

Blind Dates

2009-06-11T17:58:00.009-04:00

Should I be flattered or massively offended that everyone I know seems to want to set me up with someone? I am perfectly content in God for the time being and I hardly see how jumping into a random relationship will satisfy me or what my heart wants. What it will satisfy is the social requirement that we seem to have developed in our culture. We have this idea that in order to be happy, we need to be in a relationship and if we are not, there must be something horribly wrong with us.

This simple small lie has caused so much damaged to so many people. Too many couples cling to each other only because they are afraid to be alone. I love being single. I've been in a couple of relationships with completely the wrong people and I will be slow and prayerful before I jump into another one.

So for future reference, please do not try to set me up with anyone. I'm the weird kind of girl who gets really uncomfortable when guys I don't know start flirting with me so I'm not going to jump at the chance to have a whole evening of that.

Today at work, the only man that works at our salon asked me "if I had found a boyfriend yet". I wanted to say "I'm not looking" but instead, to be polite, I said "Nope". Take a deep breath. What came next will have you peeing your pants you'll be laughing so hard. He said in his thick English accent "Well I know a nice young guy that you might be interested in. He comes on my Mini Cooper tours around Niagara Falls and Toronto. Would you want to come and meet him? You don't have to touch him or kiss him or anything, I just thought, nothing ventured nothing gained." And then he went on for a few minutes about how nice his car was. (For the record, the kind of guy I'd be interested in would probably drive a really crappy car because he'd probably be a Philanthropist like me). So I asked "What is a Mini Cooper Tour?" and he told me that a few guys get into their Mini Coopers and go on a road trip for the weekend and stay in a nice hotel in Niagara Falls. Again to be polite, I said "Um, maybe" so he said he'd ask me again later. I should mention that this is the first conversation I've ever had with this man. Most of the time he is completely cold to me. Which, I now prefer to him asking me to come on blind-date-road-trips. Where did he expect me to sleep? I can only laugh at such a completely un-me proposal. And I'm dreading the next time he brings that up.

I think part of the reason set ups bother me so much is because I want to be pursued. I want to be romanced. And I want a man who is manly enough to lay down his pride and make a fool out of himself trying to get my attention. I would say if there is one thing that every woman wants, it's this: to have a man, and I mean a real man, pursue her and make her feel important, and special, and desired. And I don't count asking your friend to his wife to ask me if I'll hang out with you, being bold.

Exceptions

2009-05-20T23:11:00.002-04:00

As I was driving home tonight after a conversation with my closest friend, I started to think about all of the rules I seem to break just by being myself.

By that I mean that I seem to be an exception to most generalizations. I don't have poor self esteem (anymore) even though it's said that all girls do. I'm still a virgin, even though most people don't even believe me when I say that because it's so uncommon to be 20 and still a virgin. I didn't go to university (yet) even though most people do, and despite the expectations my teachers and parents had for me. The list goes on.

I defy the "rules" just by remaining true to who I am and following my own set of rules, not the same ones that most people seem to follow. I think that most people wouldn't be able to explain their decisions. A lot of times we just act without thinking, because we know what is supposed to come next. We know that after high school comes college so we choose a school and go without thinking about alternatives. There are no alternatives presented, and if they were to be presented, they are made to look less attractive. For instance, a student hoping to go to college is seen as less intelligent than a student aiming for university.

Or a young teenager who is just thrown into the party scene without really considering it, simply because it's said to be normal, expected of them. Two nights ago I was out for dinner with two friends who recently got married. When my friend's husband went to the washroom a guy from the bar came over to try and talk to my friend and I. I think he was trying to be cool when he asked if we planned on getting high that night. I responded "that isn't really our style" and he laughed and said "fun isn't you're style?". Quickly after that comment my friend's husband came back from the washroom, recognized the situation and bailed us out.

I just find it fascinating that there is a huge culture of people that believe that there is no fun to be had aside from alcohol and drugs. The most fun things are better appreciated sober, in my opinion, and my friends are so amazing that we don't need any substance assistance to have a good time. I think more people would find this to be true about the people they spend time with if they would take some time to soberly enjoy the people in their lives.

My point is that we are meant to be individuals with separate places to go and separate paths. There is no "right" path and no "wrong" path. There is only YOUR path and my point in all this is to encourage people to seek out what is right for them and to look beyond the mediocre into the adventure that they are on the cusp of creating.

Ugly Hands

2009-04-18T21:23:00.007-04:00

Recently, my parents have invested a lot of money into redoing our main bathroom. As much as I appreciate it's new aesthetic beauty, it has become a thing of contention. The bathroom has become my mom's pride and joy. It was custom designed by her and I appreciate that it means a lot to her. What I don't agree with, is that there are wildly strict rules about the use of this bathroom. The sink, a glass bowl, must be wiped after every use. There can be absolutely nothing left on the counters or on the window sill in the shower.. and so on. The reason this gets to me is simple. I don't believe that appearances should ever concur practical use. The bathroom has instantly transformed from a practical and frequently used bathroom, into a piece of art, to be admired.

I'm playing an acoustic show in about a week. It's a fundraiser for some friends who are going to Africa this summer. I've been practicing a lot lately and my hands have never looked more awful. My callouses are peeling and my hands are dry and cracked, since using hand cream only softens my hard-earned callouses. At my old job at a spa, the girls I worked with had gone to school to prevent people from having to walk around with hands that look like mine. Hands that are used and worked and pushed. It probably never occurred to them that I like my hands this way. I believe that ugly hands are usually the sign of an artist and I relish my callouses. I love having paint and ink stains on my hands; they show that I am an artist.. they show who I am.

I feel that all too often, people are so consumed with other's opinions that they fear to unleash who they truly are inside. I believe too many people will never try an art because they don't want ugly hands. Too many will refuse their giftings because they are afraid of how the world might perceive them. I know that some, if not most, are called to terrifying (but rewarding and always exciting) extremes and I can promise that these extremes will not be pleasing to the lost onlookers. But wouldn't it be a shame if we let our beautiful, hand crafted destinies take a seat on a shelf to be replaced by popularity.

I heard a man named Shane Claiborne speak last night. This man gave up his comfortable "normal" life and lives on the street as a homeless person, willingly. He felt a call to reach the homeless and he sacrificed his life to pursue God's desire for him. He called himself an extremist for love and I couldn't agree more. He's been arrested countless times in the name of justice and the Lord has walked him out of jail, much like he did with Paul. He is a true authentic Christian, and I'm sure he has ugly hands.

Our purposes, our callings, the things that make us come alive... these things are what life is truly all about. How can we be content to settle into an existence void of these things for the sake of our reputation? It is fact that we can not be extreme people for God, and been seen as popular by the world. It is a choice that every person must make. I pray that you might rise up and take hold of your extreme calling, forsaking earthly identity, and taking on a heavenly one. I wish for us to shed our fear of man and take up a true and passionate relationship with God. I look forward to a rising generation of people with ugly hands and beautiful hearts.

Support

2009-04-05T17:38:00.005-04:00

Today at church I realized something that I had not fully understood before. I allowed myself to be humbled by letting my friends at church know that I had been let go from my job just over a week ago. I expected ridicule and sideways glaces but what I received was sympathy and prayer.

Most of the woman I spoke with embraced me and become protective. A few confessed to think of me as a daughter and they laughed when they went into mothering mode with me. The poor men that had to endure my hasty tears offered prayer and support. A few of these amazing people immediately began networking on my behalf and searching for job opportunities.

This affects me deeper than most people can probably understand. As someone who grew up without much parenting, and who continues to live without much spiritual parenting, being parented and supported made me feel like I am able to lean on someone for the first time in a long time (maybe ever). I felt nurtured and protected.

I once wrote a missions statement for my second missions trip I had been planning to Mozambique. In my missions statement I explained that we, as Christians, are one body - the body of Christ. When one part of the body aches, it is natural for the rest of the body to respond accordingly - to shift the weight and work together to heal the hurting part.

Often I am part of the latter-nurturing, healing, and offering support. Today, I had the chance to experience the importance of our family in Christ supporting each other.I've taken a lot of hits lately. I've endured my first firing, a terrible fight in my family that has yet to be resolved, financial insecurity, and too much fear. I am aching.It was a beautiful and reassuring thing to watch from the other side of things as the body responded to be today. I was nurtured, embraced, fought for, and reassured - and it was wonderful.

Through this, God revealed to me again, how important fellowship is. We are designed to walk in community with each other. We are created to fight as an army, not suffer as lone islands. Together we stand as a force to be reckoned with in spiritual realms. Divided, it is too easy to fall into temptations of the mind and the flesh.

I encourage you to get connected. Wherever you may be at spiritually or emotionally, it is increasingly important to surround yourself with authentic people who you care about and who care about you. There are a lot of people hurting these days with the economic climate being what it is. It is important to minister to people in need and it is important to ask for ministry when you are in need.

No matter who you are or what you've done, there is a specific and beautiful purpose for your existence. You have a unique perspective on the world because no two lives are exactly the same. You have unique feelings and thoughts and it is important to stay true to yourself and express those thoughts and feelings because you never know when something you say might be of immeasurable benefit to someone in need. You may possess the unique answer to their problem that no one else could offer.

These thoughts are kind of scattered but my main point is to pursue real community and fellowship for your life. Sometimes you will be needed to offer ministry and sometimes you will need ministry yourself. I needed mending today and because I had spent time investing in other people, I had people who supported me and invested back in me in my time of need. Build relationships with love and patience and an attitude of servanthood and you will always find the support you need in your desperate times. Be blessed in knowing that you are needed. You were created to fill a specific role and to be bold enough to step into it. Get connected and enjoy the beauty of the support structure that has been created for you.

Be blessed.

The Vision

2009-04-04T22:30:00.005-04:00

This is one of the most amazing things I've ever read. It's true Christianity summed up. It's from a novel called Red Moon Rising.

Enjoy.

THE VISION
So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this The vision?

The vision is JESUS obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.

You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.They wouldn't even notice.They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.

They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games. This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.

A million times a day its soldiers
choose to loose

that they might one day win

the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the undergroundThe whisper of history in the making

Foundations

shaking

Revolutionaries dreaming once again

Mystery is scheming in whispers

Conspiracy is breathing

This is the sound of the underground
And the army is disciplined.

Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms. The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them ?

Can hormones hold them back?

Can failure succeed?

Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays
like a dying man

with groans beyond talking,

with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and

with great barrow loads of laughter!

Waiting. Watching: 24 7 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
inside.

On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide. Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)

Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus. Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.Don't you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdo's! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed